


drowning

by bgaydocrimes



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: F/F, i don't know what this is, just like internal jen angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:26:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25412359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bgaydocrimes/pseuds/bgaydocrimes
Summary: Just a short rambling snippet of Jen's thoughts during the garage and car scenes of 2x09.
Relationships: Judy Hale & Jen Harding, Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 10
Kudos: 45





	drowning

**Author's Note:**

> idk what this is I just haven't written much of Jen's POV like this and wanted to try something. 
> 
> I just threw it together and its unbetaed, dont @ me

She was so fucking stupid.

Like always, Jen was barely keeping her head above water. Steve, Judy, the boys - everything was falling apart and she didn’t have enough hands to hold it together. The one purpose she had left in life, to take care of her family, and she was fucking it up worse than she had ever failed at anything before. 

Now Judy was pushing and pushing and pushing - _what the fuck did he say to you?_ \- and finally it spills over - Jen fucking murdered Steve because she can’t control herself. Because she can’t confront any feelings without that ever-present rage, so blinding and fucking terrifying of course it was bound to finally come to a head. 

_I'm a fucking piece of shit._

Her remorse and contempt attached like weights to her ankles, threatening, _promising,_ to take her under. And she’s almost to the point of welcoming it. She’s always ruined everything she touched. Her anger oozes out of her and muddies every good thing in her life until everyone she knows is tainted by her. They all fucking hate her; and they deserve to. 

All but her sweet, loving Judy - always offering her forgiveness and devotion on a silver fucking platter like Jen deserves it. Like Jen wasn’t the worst thing that had ever happened to her. She’s throwing Jen a rope, reaching out for her shoulders and murmuring assuaging words.

_I don’t hate you; I could never hate you._

Judy loved everyone in the most beautiful and tender way possible and yet it was always wasted on the most undeserving. Jen included. God, If she could just shake some sense into Judy, make her see that she deserves so much fucking more than Steve, than her shitty mom, than Jen - 

So Jen throws it right back in her face. 

_that's because you love anyone who just gives you a morsel of fucking attention._

Judy reacts like she’s been slapped, and _that_ is what Jen deserves. The thick sludge of guilt tarring her insides just increases, making her sick with its ubiquity. Good. Judy should hate her too. 

Judy flees and for just a moment Jen’s going to let her go. But she can’t let Judy feel the way she herself is feeling right now so she follows her; begs Judy to hit her, desperate for something to level the playing field again. Desperate to be made to pay for her transgressions. Jen, mired in desperation, pushes and pushes until Judy is screaming; an unearthly and agonized sound that pierces Jen and fractures her soul into thousands of tiny pieces. Oh, fuck.

Judy’s breaking down and Jen puts herself back together out of necessity, claws herself back to lucidity and shoves everything down again so she can climb into the car with Judy. Jen gathers Judy in her arms and rocks her, whispers into her hair that it’s okay. It’s going to be okay.

It’s not. 


End file.
